Best Tweets Ever!


 * I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"
 * When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but as soon as I'm busy, BAM... still nobody texts me.
 * Taking a test at school* My answer is yes. If yes, please explain... My answer is now "No".
 * I just broke my personal record of days without dying today.
 * "WHY?!?!" "Because I said so!!!" good one mom, you should be a lawyer.
 * Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars. HAHA idiots! They could have downloaded it for free!
 * I add “and shit” after everything I say to sound like a thug “I was playing with my bubbles and shit”
 * Pushes door to walk out but it doesn't open* Stranger: "You gotta pull." Me: "Oh thanks. My next option was to lift from the bottom."
 * Change your passwords to 'incorrect' so if you ever forget it, you will get a reminder saying "your password is incorrect" ;)
 * "I wasnt that drunk.." ... "bro you threw my parrot into a wall screaming "ANGRY BIRDS! "
 * Barking louder at dogs to show them who's boss.
 * My neighbors listen to some excellent music everyday. Whether they want to or not
 * That awkward moment when Pinocchio and Voldemort meet
 * "Why didn't you reply to my text?" "Ummm, how am I supposed to reply to 'lol'?"
 * Exiting the classroom after your last final exam is like walking away from an exploding building like a boss..
 * Seriously, how can it be considered "stealing" when my neighbors WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!
 * When you lose: "It's just a stupid game." When you win: "In your face, looser!"
 * "I don't know... let's Yahoo it!" - Said by no one, ever.
 * If you have to give me CPR and your breath stinks just let me die.
 * Apparently Twilight is so popular because teens relate to it. Yep, I remember when I was a vampire...
 * "What's your relationship status?" "Oh well, a little bit more unlucky than the squirrel from the Ice Age"
 * Mum: "all you ever do is stay inside on the internet! you should go out more with you're friends!" Me: " can i go____" Mum: "NO!"
 * My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident..